Too much for my own good.

Do you ever get those times in your life where you are just out of it? Like you will be hanging out with your friends and it's like your body is there but your mind is just gone. Well i get that a lot. It's probably the fact that i think way too much. Because of all my past experiences and whatnot, i feel that i know well enough on how to react to a situation but than i still overthink it way too much. It sucks because overthinking a situation usually makes it a lot worse than what it really is. I noticed through all my thinking that i am way too selfish. All i ever think about is what is going to benefit me, how i need to get a good job so i can support my family later when i start one, etc. Growing up in life, there was always someone that i had to satisfy and when i dont reach their expectations i feel like i let them down and i'm just not good enough. The thing is, thats just how life is...there are always going to be those people that mean a lot to you that you want to js know that they are proud of you. i realized through many hard times that if you keep living life trying to reach other people's expectations, you will never be happy with yourself and how amazing of a person you really are in God's eyes. I'm done living my life for others, i mean its my life so i should be doing what i want and not what others want me to do. But the real reason for my title "Too much for my own good." is that my whole life has been struggle after struggle, hardship after hardship, pain after pain, and falling short of the people that i care about the most and their expectations countless times. Because my whole life has been so negative and basically hard, it's hard for me to imagine or even have a good point in my life. Don't get me wrong, God is good and He has been such an amazing Father to me and i'm not here to just complain, but because of all the bad times i've been through in life, once i have something good in my life it's surreal to me so i dont even believe that it's mine even though it is. That's why i've had too much "bad experiences in life" for my own good. I take for granted all the good people and things in my life because i just don't know how to react or live with it in my life because its something new to me. I hurt people that have been good to me and just want to care for me because i push away or end up hurting them before they might have the chance to hurt me. I mean i'm all about taking risks and chances in life because i love random and spontaneous stuff, but it's just when it comes to my relationships. I'm trying real hard to trust God that He will send someone that will heal me of this hurt that i've experienced with my birth mother, but until i gotta try my hardest to trust you and i want you to know that i am trying real hard. Sorry for such a long post but most likely all my other posts are going to be long as well haha ;P so yeah thanks for reading.


-Paul Lem.